For the umpteenth time, I don't hate parents.
Seriously. I get sick of this. Yet I have to say it again and again and again, and I'm supposed to be the one with the receptive language problem. What gives?
I.
Don't.
Hate.
Parents.
Just.
Because.
They're.
Parents.
Are there people whom I cannot stand because their views on many things are frankly disgusting, as are their approaches to things, and they happen to be parents? Yes, there are. But my distaste for these individuals isn't because they're parents, I may just know about it because we have come into contact because of their parenthood. But--IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PARENTHOOD.
Seriously. Parents of autistic kids, or for that matter siblings of autistic kids, are not being persecuted by nasty auties who can't seperate them from our own families. Yes, my family is epically shitty. I can tell the difference between my epically shitty and dysfunctional family and other dysfunctions pretty easily, even over the internet. If I dislike you, or-as is more likely, your approach-I am perfectly capable of disliking it on it's own merits or lack thereof. It has nothing to do with MY family, it has to do with other philosophies. Just trust me when I say that if something relating to those particular issues hit a message board or blog, I wouldn't be posting my opinion, I'd be calling CPS.
I'm friends with several parents of autistic kids. But the thing is--to these friends I am not a universal translator, or someone who can help them make their kid more...whatever, I am a friend. I am a friend who can be a royal asshat sometimes, silly sometimes, have a bad day, has a serious sarcasm infusion, and just IS. I am not that girl who has what little Trevor has so let's see if she can philosophically balance autism sucks and autism is who you are yay woohoo! Having a token autistic friend is kind of like having a token minority friend, if you think about it it's very tacky.
And yes, I am sarcastic. I am sarcastic a LOT. No, being nice doesn't help. Being nice gets me walked over or it makes people think I am a push-over or even less tough than I look and then they think they can verbally or physically attack me. Yes, sarcasm does in fact make me feel better. You'd be sarcastic too if you were me.
But no, I don't hate parents, except the ones who have specifically earned it, and I do resent being accused of such. When and if this policy changes, I'll be sure to send out a press release.
I.
Don't.
Hate.
Parents.
Just.
Because.
They're.
Parents.
Are there people whom I cannot stand because their views on many things are frankly disgusting, as are their approaches to things, and they happen to be parents? Yes, there are. But my distaste for these individuals isn't because they're parents, I may just know about it because we have come into contact because of their parenthood. But--IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PARENTHOOD.
Seriously. Parents of autistic kids, or for that matter siblings of autistic kids, are not being persecuted by nasty auties who can't seperate them from our own families. Yes, my family is epically shitty. I can tell the difference between my epically shitty and dysfunctional family and other dysfunctions pretty easily, even over the internet. If I dislike you, or-as is more likely, your approach-I am perfectly capable of disliking it on it's own merits or lack thereof. It has nothing to do with MY family, it has to do with other philosophies. Just trust me when I say that if something relating to those particular issues hit a message board or blog, I wouldn't be posting my opinion, I'd be calling CPS.
I'm friends with several parents of autistic kids. But the thing is--to these friends I am not a universal translator, or someone who can help them make their kid more...whatever, I am a friend. I am a friend who can be a royal asshat sometimes, silly sometimes, have a bad day, has a serious sarcasm infusion, and just IS. I am not that girl who has what little Trevor has so let's see if she can philosophically balance autism sucks and autism is who you are yay woohoo! Having a token autistic friend is kind of like having a token minority friend, if you think about it it's very tacky.
And yes, I am sarcastic. I am sarcastic a LOT. No, being nice doesn't help. Being nice gets me walked over or it makes people think I am a push-over or even less tough than I look and then they think they can verbally or physically attack me. Yes, sarcasm does in fact make me feel better. You'd be sarcastic too if you were me.
But no, I don't hate parents, except the ones who have specifically earned it, and I do resent being accused of such. When and if this policy changes, I'll be sure to send out a press release.
posted by Kassiane at 5:49 PM
11 Comments:
And I'll be glad to post the press release! Ha.
"Being nice gets me walked over..."
Yes. I've found that as well. And then people talk about my attitudes towards certain aspects of the Finnish way of doing things; but they forget that it took me ten years of experience of those aspects to build up this attitude set. The old saying here is: Smile, and they'll smile right back at you. Snarl, and you'll get better service.
"But no, I don't hate parents, except the ones who have specifically earned it, and I do resent being accused of such.?"
So you do hate SOME parents? Would that be parents who do not share YOUR views about how they should raise THEIR autistic children?
I hope you don't think that my previous comments were accusing you of hating parents. Believe me. I understand that there are many doctors and parents out there making poor choices and all. Believe me, I am surrounded by parents who ask me things like, "Well, she must be sick because she was vaccinated!" Argh! I run and run fast from parents like that. But, we need something else positive to focus on. I guess that is just my style though. You and Kassiane have the gift of writing and sharing.
"Having a token autistic friend is kind of like having a token minority friend, if you think about it it's very tacky."
Too true
To Marla: This Kassi's post follows a discussion in a Web forum, so I believe you have nothing to do with its "causation"; I have.
To Kassi: I'll be sorry if something I'd written has caused you to think that you shouldn't post your opinions about subjects. Of course you should. And then somebody else may post something in disagreement. I don't find anything wrong in this situation. (What is CPS?)
I still think that if there is an article stating how difficult it is to raise an autistic child and if, out of 100 or 200 autistic readers, it is exactly you who are outraged by this article, this is not mere coincidence and may have something to do with your experience. Here, I would like to remind of your post about how difficult it has been for you to grow with your NT siblings, which was inspired by an article about the difficulties experienced by NT siblings of autistic children.
About being sarcastic and not too nice: I agree it helps in defending your personal rights. However, when discussing nonpersonal situations in principle, it is unlikely to help. It will be accepted only by those who already agree with you on the matter, and not even by all of them. I am not saying that you shouldn't be sarcastic in a nonpersonal context, just that it is unlikely to help in getting your message through. I am also sarcastic when I feel like expressing my opinion/emotions and not aiming to convince anybody in anything. So I have some posts that are occasionally cited as a proof that I am a bigot. But I shouldn't complain, because I sometimes do the same to my opponents.
Harold, I know you want to think you're a persecuted saint. Get over yourself. Your son will thank you. Additionally, I believe leading questions are poor form in your profession.
Maya, I'm not the only person who gets pissy about those articles. Just because I'm one of few with enough cojones to write to the NYT about it doesn't mean my opinion isn't valid for a whole shitton of autistic people (and yes, shitton is a valid word, as of now). I mean, really, let's get rid of stigma by spreading it, YAY?
Like it or not, it IS personal. It is personal for every autistic person because it will effect every one of us personally.
If few people express public agreement with your opinion, and if I or other people disagree with it, this of course cannot make your opinion invalid.
I have known for quite some time that you do NOT hate parents. You just seem to me to be too demanding of them. I can bear with this; if I couldn't, I wouldn't be reading what you write.
If I sound too demanding of you please know that I do not hate you, either!
I'm encouraged when I hear you speak boldly about what you think Kassianne.
I'm also encouraged when I hear parents of autistics listening to the bold views of other autistics and teaching their autistic kids to speak boldly about what they think as well.
The last thing we need is another generation of autistics being taught that they and all other autistics are supposed to be walked on and that what autistics think doesn't matter.
I've never gotten the impression that you hated parents. At least I've never felt the hate. I get angry too, sometimes, when I hear people describing how awful it is to have an autistic child. And I'm sure, in my most difficult days, I've said things I shouldn't have. No idea where I'm going with this. Also, I agree with ed.
I suspect it does have something to do with your own family, not in the sense that you can't tell decent parents from parents like yours, but the opposite - you can easily spot attitudes like those your parents had, even if the expression is milder.
Of course, I don't know you or your family, so I'm not qualified to say this. Let me know if you think it's accurate. I just know that because I was abused, I'm good at spotting abusive attitudes and behavior even in people who are nowhere near as bad as my abusers were.
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