Everyone knows, intuitively, that having a family member who is "different" can be difficult. So why did we need to hear siblings whining (again)?Everyone has sympathy for the poor deprived siblings of autistic and other disabled kids anyway, reading them piss and moan about how their autistic brother or whoever embarrasses them is not how I want to start my day. Or end it.
So my turn:
ALL Y'ALL AREN'T THAT EASY TO LIVE WITH EITHER.
I've got siblings, none of whom are autistic. And yes I was a pain in their butts, but I never:
-Helped neighborhood kids bully them (brother did this to me)
-Stole their clothes (sister)
-Asked them to leave the house when their friends were there (numerous times, all of the above...)
-Blamed them for something I did (brother was especially fond of this, knowing I look "dishonest")
-Kept the dog in while they were at work, then demand they clean up the poo (sister who MOVED OUT over this)
-Told anyone and everyone that my sibling was "like a really smart retard" (brother)
and it goes on. Neurotypical siblings are loud. They are unpredictable. They have friends who are loud, unpredictable, and often mean. When there's more than one non-autistic sibling, they gang up on the autistic, just as all pack animals do. Some siblings (mine included) pretend to not be related to us, and then are shocked when it hurts. Amazing. We have feelings. Some siblings are manipulative, putting their autistic, etc sister or brother in situations that can hurt them or get them in trouble. They, like our parents, say we bring things on ourselves for being "weird". They are often worse than parents about "don't (rock, flap, talk in a monotone, be present at all), it embarrasses me!"
It isn't their autism to be embarrassed or not about. This society has grown to accept a lot of things, from different skin colors to different sexualities, but someone with an invisible disability, especially one that affects their behavior-this is still unacceptable, even by our families. I know I'm not the first autistic to be fully disowned, nor will I be the last. Multicultural families, with adoptions from many different countries, get on fine. But a trait that's just as ingrained as skin color is still an embarrassment to people who have no right to be embarrassed by it.
Maybe if y'all accept us, everyone's life will be easier. We have to accept the schedule changes that come from the NT impulsivity, so give us some slack too. And teach your friends, instead of helping them mock us. Gee, what a concept. We inconvenience each other, but those of us with disabilities never get to whine about OUR siblings nationally. So now I, at least, am.
(rant prompted by being severely irritated by article, something happier about the kids I work with tomorrowish.)
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
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5 comments:
"And she is quick to backpedal when she does talk about it, insisting that her sister, Katie, 8, does not embarrass her "all that often," and that she is "really fun" to play with."
Gee, couldn't be that her sister is really fun to play with and really doesn't embarrass her all that often, could it?
I've never liked the emphasis on "sibling issues". It seems to encourage people to believe that there's something phenomenally awful about living with us as siblings. And I've always sort of known, that if I ever showed up for a "sibling support group", not that I'd want to but I'd qualify (one of my brothers is also autistic), I'd probably get treated like crap over being disabled myself.
I wonder if the label itself is causing some of the sibling embarrassment, rather than the actual differences in behavior.
I have two kids. My son is an unofficially diagnosed aspie, and my daughter (who is often obsessive, easily distracted, and sometimes hyper) is a social butterfly. They get along just fine. My daughter teases my son about being obsessed with his computer games, but he teases her right back about her own obsession with talking on the phone to her friends all the time. They understand that everybody is weird in different ways, and that's OK.
I'm not sure they would get along as well if one kid's set of behaviors had been officially labeled as a "disorder," while the other kid had been described as "normal." I think that would have driven a wedge between them and made the labeled kid's behaviors seem weird and embarrassing to the other kid, just because of the awareness that society saw them as different.
Cool blog Kassiane, I'd like to add it to my list of recommended sites on Aspergian Pride. :-)
ballastexistenz: I couldn't do a sibling support group either, for fear of being judged as "the most messed up anyway". We've ALL got brain cooties in my family, but somehow autistic is worse than bipolar or ADHD/LD or social anxiety or whatever? Yeah. Blargh.
Bonnie: You're probably right. I saw a similar dynamic with some kids I coached, no official labels, they just WERE. And they were OK with that. They're a year apart and REALLY close-probably in part because they're "normal for E. and C." And I'm honored that you want to recommend my blog.
There are girls named R and C that Annelise (phoenixkitten) knows. They look out for each other and it's instinctive and beautiful to watch. C is on the spectrum and part of the Kid's Club and R loves gymnastics and is good at getting C into the group.
More on the joys of C:
http://purrrgle.livejournal.com/67659.html
I don't think it's necessarily diagnosis or lack thereof, but how the differences are viewed by the parents.
I'm diagnosed autistic while my brother is not diagnosed with anything (though lately his teacher was insisting he must have *something*). My brother views autism as part of human diversity and not a real problem, but a target of discrimination. We don't always get along (for usual sibling reasons) but it's not any worse than usual, nor is it viewed as being because I'm disabled.
Alternatively, I've heard of many families where a child (undiagnosed) is viewed as 'the bad one' or 'troublemaker' and the sibling relationship tends to be quite poor.
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